“D’oh!” Homer Simpson’s 20 funniest quotes

“D’oh!” Homer Simpson’s 20 funniest quotes

Have you ever asked yourself, “Just how old is Homer Simpson?” You’re not alone. The Simpsons family patriarch’s age has always been something of a mystery, but eagle-eyed viewers will know what season 4 episode Duffless saw his driving license made void after a drink-driving arrest.

The fleeting shot listed Homer Simpson’s birthday as “05-12-56”, making it a landmark celebration for the beer-loving Springfield resident who this year turned 64.

How better to mark the occasion than with a look back at some of Homer’s funniest ever quotes. Here’s a handful of Homer Simpson’s very best…

On marriage

“Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.”

On neighbors

“Life is just one crushing defeat after another until you just wish Flanders was dead.”

On life lessons

“You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is – never try.”

On the ultimate fantasy

“Kill my boss? Do I dare live out the American dream?”

On literature

“Books are useless! I only ever read one book, To Kill A Mockingbird, and it gave me absolutely no insight on how to kill mockingbirds!”


“It’s not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in eight hours of TV a day.”

On booze

“To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all of life’s problems.”

On crime

“Stealing! How could you? Why do you think I took you to see all those Police Academy movies, for fun? I didn’t hear anyone laughing, did you? Except at that guy who made sound effects.”

On empty threats

“Oh yeah, what are you gonna do? Release the dogs? Or the bees? Or the dogs with bees in their mouths and when they bark, they shoot bees at you?”

On movie quotes. Lots of them.

“Look Marge, you don’t know what it’s like – I’m the one out there every day putting his ass on the line. And I’m not out of order! You’re out of order! The whole freakin’ system is out of order! You want the truth? You want the truth?! You can’t handle the truth! ‘Cause when you reach over and put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend’s face, you’ll know what to do! Forget it, Marge, it’s Chinatown!”

On dealing with emergencies

“Operator! Give me the number for 911!”

On anger

“Just squeeze your rage up into a bitter little ball and release it at an appropriate time, like that day I hit the referee with the whiskey bottle.”

On respecting your elders

“Now Bart, since you broke Grandpa’s teeth, he gets to break yours.”

On the essentials

“No TV and no beer makes Homer something something.”

On the elderly

“Old people don’t need companionship. They need to be isolated and studied so it can be determined what nutrients they have that might be extracted for our personal use.”

On God

“I’m normally not a praying man, but if you’re up there, please save me Superman.”

On cinema

“I saw this movie about a bus that had to speed around a city, keeping its speed over 50, and if its speed dropped, it would explode! I think it was called The Bus That Couldn’t Slow Down.”

On aspirations

“Maybe just once someone will call me ‘sir’ without adding: ‘You’re making a scene.’”

On the law

“Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you’re prejudiced against all races.”

On… most things



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